Chasing Tail

Evening All,

Last weekend I found myself with something very rare and unusual lying before me - ladies and gentlemen, I had a free weekend. Two whole days of no plans and no obligations, I felt giddy at the prospect, I felt chosen by a higher power, I felt #blessed. So when Friday night arrived, I settled into my trashcan and turned on my Ratflix, ready for an evening of relaxation and trash TV (literally). I skimmed through the options and landed on a film called ‘Love Actually’, I was drawn to it by a particular review which instantly caught my eye:  

And I must say, I was not disappointed. The cast (stellar), the plot (heartwarming), Rowan Atkinson (phenomenal). However, what most stayed with me after the film had ended was the line spoken by Hugh Grant at the very beginning of the film: 

“If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.”

Could this possibly be true? Is love actually all around? In my short time observing the human species, it appeared that sadness and apathy were more prolific than love, but then again, perhaps he had a point? 

The thought lingered in my mind through to the next morning and when I woke, I knew what I had to do. From various bits of research done prior, I understood that the platform for love in 2023 was something called a ‘dating app’ which is accessed via a ‘cellphone’. In order to fully immerse myself in the subject, I would need to obtain both of these things. The first step in this equation was, of course, the cellphone. This could be accomplished easily enough and so I brushed my fur, shined my tail and made my way to the Vodaphone. The sales clerk, Ragen, was initially sceptical and reluctant to sell me a phone, claiming that my lack of dexterous thumbs or warm finger pads would render it utterly useless in my hands (paws). But I would not let up and soon I was walking (scurrying) out of the store with a brand new iPhone 13, feeling like a new rat - thank you Ragen! I had also downloaded all the essential apps, including, of course, Chasing Tail - the rat-approved dating app.  

I spent the next two hours meticulously crafting and finessing a dating profile which included an appropriate mix of photos and prompts, all chosen to indicate that (A) I have friends (B) I am very fun and (C) I am also witty, outgoing, smart, laid back, cool, casual, adventurous, outgoing, non-demanding, non-committal, relaxed and well-travelled. For a rat like myself, this was easy. Once completed, I took a deep breath and launched my profile into the world of online dating, waiting anxiously to meet other like-minded rats. 

I opened the app the next day and saw before me, to my dismay, a plethora of the worst kind of rats imaginable.  Rats with rat tails, rats holding up a fish on a boat, rats who all hate pineapple on pizza, rats who all want travel tips to Japan?? I was appalled, and questioned the statistical validity of what I was seeing, but in the name of science, I had to press on. Eventually, I settled on a rat that seemed the least psychopathic and we arranged to meet at the Smouldering Dumpster the next night at 7pm.

Despite my apprehensions, dare I say that I’m excited? Who knows what could be in store for a little rat such as myself. I will of course recount the experience in full, but until then, I bid you adieu. 

All my love, 

Roddy, Actually